It's always difficult to interpret how a scene will look from just reading the script. Conversations or camera changes that seem jumbled or disorganized on paper flow seamlessly on the silver screen, as long as you have a good editor.
That being said, I completely understand the idea and the scene that this script is trying to get across. When multiple people and actors repeat the same line several times, it drives home whatever point they're trying to make. From what I can see, this script will do a fairly good job of that, but may suffer from doing that too well.
Commercials and advertisements need to be long enough to get a point across, but short enough to not lose the viewers attention, and in these days, that attention span is remarkably short. The ad may suffer from being a bit too wordy and long, much longer than it should be. By cutting out some of the repetition, we can condense the commercial into something much easier to follow and pay attention to without losing any of the overall idea.
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